Last night I spilled the beans to my daughter-inlaw. I hadn’t planned on saying anything to her right then about my DID, and had originally intended to tell her and my son together. But…during the intimacy that smoking in the dark brings, it just came out–so I guess something good’s come out of my smoking!
It took about 10 minutes to convince her I wasn’t pulling her leg (my parts are so adept at keeping me functioning that she had a hard time picturing me as a multiple.) When it began to sink in that I wasn’t joking, she got very emotional and expressed concern for how I’m doing, if I’m ok, etc. She couldn’t have been sweeter or more accepting, and my relief right now is enormous. I’ve 3 more sons to tell, and that’s about it. Years ago I disentangled myself from most of my biological family, as it was impossible to have relationships with them, so I don’t ever have to come out to them. I’ve one brother I’m close to, but telling him anytime soon seems like an unkindness–he has a lot on his plate right now, and it would be one more burden for him to carry. For now at least I don’t feel any particular desire to confide in him about it.
I don’t know if it’s common for multiples to have only a few friends…as a child I had many, but the older I’ve gotten I seem to have lost the ability to keep many friendships going at once. So the few friends I have left know already. Wow. Just realized that once I tell my sons, everyone in my life will know who I am (kinda), and there won’t be any more need for pretense. What will that feel like I wonder? And will it further my emotional healing to be able to speak freely of my DID? I can only think so.
When I watch my grandkids at play I can’t help but think, no more secrets. This family is riddled with them, and it hasn’t done any of us any good. I’ve kept my own secrets for decades, thinking I was protecting my sons and others by doing so. And maybe that was the best thing to do at the time. Right now the best thing, as far as I can intuit, is to honor the person I’ve become– and of course that includes honoring my parts and their role in my survival by sharing them with the trusted few I know will not use this information to hurt any of us. I’ve always mistrusted my intuition. That’s probably part of the territory for a multiple. We’re taught to disbelieve the reality of abuse, to keep our mouths shut, to keep a stiff upper lip and carry on as if nothing out of the ordinary had happened….but I’m learning that, when I take the time to listen to my intuition, it rarely steers me wrong. And right now, it’s telling me that I need to continue on this path I’m on, this path of becoming open to the handful of individuals in my life who can be trusted with my deepest truths. And that feels good indeed!
the truth is setting me free