I’m tired . . .

I’m so tired. . .tired of thinking that others who know about my DID expect me to be able to keep pushing myself to do whatever needs doing, because I have extra “people” to help me get it done. Maybe they don’t think it, though. Maybe it’s all in my head (duh.) Maybe I just think I’m a multiple, but in reality I’m just this whacked out, frumpy old nana with lots of quirks. Maybe my abusive childhood never happened, and I just have a vivid imagination and need lots of attention.

 

Maybe I’m in denial today. Again. Tired of dealing with DID related issues. Wanting simply to exist, like everyone else. What would that be like? To not be constantly pulled in so many directions that you just want to plop down and cry; crawl back into bed and let the world turn without you for once? But you can’t because you have so many insiders to care for. People on the outside too who depend on you for this and that.

 

I’m used to wearing facades. Used to smiling when there’s nothing to smile about. When the stepdad would corner me in the hallway and hiss in my ear, “You’d better start smiling more, so Mom won’t get suspicious,” well, I tried to do as I was told. Tried to wear a different expression. Didn’t know at the time that it wasn’t just a different expression I wore, but a completely different personality.

 

I’m sure I wore the same stilted smile through several bad marriages. Through all the years (centuries, it seemed!) of my childrens’ addictions and truancies and needs, etc. I don’t know why I’m even writing this post today, nothing exceptional has happened to bring me down. It’s just. . .well, guess I’m just tired.

 

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3 thoughts on “I’m tired . . .”

  1. I just wanted you to know you’re in my thoughts today. I think what you’re describing is just the overwhelm of everyday life and needs/wants of those inside too. You’re in high demand and that gets tiring….please take good care of you and know you have been heard ok. It’s gonna be ok.

    As far as the trigger warning when I first got to this page, it was posted on the top of the message you posted that I am replying to now. Not sure if this is what you meant or not.

    Thinking of you….all good thoughts ok….

  2. ****But you can’t because you have so many insiders to care for. People on the outside too who depend on you for this and that.****

    Yes, being tired is going to happen and being in denial sometimes isn’t that bad. It is temporary denial that allows us to recharge, its the permanent stuff that keeps us held back and chained.

    I get tired so many times and sometimes when I write it in my journal I worry that people will get tired of hearing me say it…i’m tired, i’m tired. actually, i got a comment one time from someone that really let me have it. they told me I was always tired and that i just needed to go get a job. The truth is, that person is right, I am always tired because I have a lot to be tired about. They were wrong in that I should just pull up my boot straps and go on. DID isn’t like that…heck, most things aren’t like that.

    I’ve had this dx since 91 or 92 and I can tell you there are still doubts about the dx. There are still times when I think to myself, maybe I was too sensitive. Maybe i’m making this all up. Maybe I’ll one day be well enough to be the daughter my mother so much wants….on and on and on…then when I wake up from a nightmare or stay up for days avoiding a nightmare there is nothing more that I can conclude but THAT THEY HURT ME. They hurt me terribly and they lied so much that I now have a hard time telling the truth from a lie…when it comes to the abuse I mean.
    We, as children learned not to trust just the abusers but ourselves. That doesnt go away over night my friend.

    these are just some thoughts i had on the entry here.

    Austin

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