Make the world go away

Horrible night last night . . . received some bad news just before bedtime (no, nobody died, but it feels that way), and my system’s devestated. I don’t know who put the littles to bed last night. Not Mrs. Homebody, who would normally do so. She’s the main comforter in our system, but when she’s hurting she’s no good to anyone. This morning I’m dazed and shaky, as is always the case when I don’t get enough sleep.

At some point I fell asleep for a while and dreamt that I stumbled across a new website for multiples. Oh, it was so beautiful! Everything about it just glowed: the graphics, the writings, the tone. With a sort of holy excitement I discovered that anyone who wanted to join the site would receive a little quilt block (about the size of a postage stamp!), to embroider and jazz up any way they pleased.

I sent for my block, and when it arrived spent many happy hours personalizing it with all kinds of itty bitty, colorful stitching. Once it was done I was allowed to sew it onto the quilt (this was a real quilt, not an “electronic” one, and absolutely gorgeous.) But, after attaching my block, I began weeping profusely; it wouldn’t lie flat next to the others because it was all puckery. Next to the other blocks it looked crumpled and ugly. I knew then that I would never fit in, would never be one of “them”, those multiples with a talent for such beautiful expression.

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2 thoughts on “Make the world go away”

  1. we as survivors fear so much that even amongst other survivors we aren’t normal…that maybe somehow we are “dirtier” than they are…that they in fact aren’t dirty at all but we keep our dirtiness from them as a secret but it’s one of those secrets that is just at the tip of exposure…every moment it’s a struggle to keep even other survivors from knowing just how broken we are…just how less worthy we are than anyone else…
    deep down inside i think most survivors if not all feel they don’t measure up even with people who have endured horrible acts of violence. you measure up. your quilt piece would fit right in. when we read your journal we relate to it so well. We see not only pain and suffering but compassion, hope, desperation and beauty…we see a dreamer…and to tell you the truth, what is life without the dream that one day soon life will be worth living…that life will not be at this level of pain?….I do not believe it is a false hope or stupid dream…i think it is possible. i think you should keep shooting for it.

    Austin

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