I’ve tried several times in the past couple of days to post something here, but no dice. There’s way too much going on inside my head. Sometimes I can ignore it and push on through, but not now.
One thing that is particularly bugging me is, I’m getting worn to a frazzle–emotionally speaking–from all this talk and writing about DID. Sure, I’m a multiple. Sure, it’s my daily reality, and it’s a good thing to deal with reality on an ongoing basis. But there’s got to be some kind of a respite, doesn’t there, from the daily intensity of being a “survivor” (oh hateful word!)
Some days I want simply to enjoy spending time with my sons and grandkids, or to listen to music which moves me, or even to do nothing more than laze around, watching old b/w movies on cable. I need, apparently, to waste some of my precious time on earth in making smart-alec comments to stupid sitcom characters, even if they can’t hear me. I need to bake bread (or someone inside of me does–see, here I go again!), and I’m pretty convinced that there are movies, probably whole rows of them at Hollywood Video, calling out to me, begging to be watched.
I don’t mean to imply that I can turn my multiplicity on and off at will. Some seem to be able to do so, or that’s the way it comes across anyway. I can’t. But I can up to a certain point override the inner chaos and babbling long enough to do something which is just for me. Still haven’t figured out just who that is, but I know that whoever it is is a seperate entity from my insiders. And this entity needs, once in a blue moon, to detach from so many needs and simply be.