There are some things which painfully bring home to me the handicap of being a multiple. For instance, my daughter-inlaw needs me to testify in court for her Monday, regarding custody of her son, and I just can’t. Every one of my parts is terrified of authority figures. Just being in the same room with a judge and lawyers would be enough to send everyone scurrying around for cover, which means that would leave me sitting there on the witness stand with my mouth hanging open, like the village idiot. Probably drooling to boot.
And then there’s the little matter of the noise I make (not exactly a hiccup, or burp, maybe a cross between the two, but much louder), over which I have no control. I can just see me with my mouth hanging stupidly open, and suddenly emitting this ear-splitting bellow which surely would give the judge cause to doubt my sobriety, or sanity.
No no, I just can’t do it. I’ve put my parts through so much turmoil over the years, due to not knowing of their existence. Now that I know they exist I can’t unknow it. Any halfway big decisions I make must be made with their welfare in mind. Otherwise . . . well otherwise I would, in a sense, become their abuser.
Yes, there are times when my multiplicity is more of a handicap than usual. This is one of those times. I have once in a blue moon nearly convinced myself that DID is a beautiful gift which was there when I needed it most. This is not one of those times. Today it seems as much of a handicap as my lack of a sense of direction, which probably stems from the DID anyway, so shoot, there’s just no getting around it. Some things I can’t, and possibly never will, do. My only smidgen of comfort is in knowing that it’s not a matter of stubbornly refusing to do certain things, I just plain can’t.
(Guilty as charged.)