This has been a year of losses for me. I don’t do change well, which is part of the whole DID baggage. I don’t want to be writing this, as right now I’m overwhelmed with sadness. I tried playing a few hands of Mah Jonng, but kept getting distracted. In spite of my normal stoicism, the tears started flowing. Twice I went to my blog, needing to write out my emotional angst, but couldn’t bring myself to do so. Well here I am now, doing just that, after all.
I know that life is about change, and that not all change is bad. But my parts grieve just the same. My life is about to change in a big way and I really haven’t a clue whether or not it will prove to be for the better. I’m not intentionally being mysterious! There are family members who read my blog and haven’t heard my news yet, so I’m keeping the details mum.
I know I’ve faced much harder challenges than this, but I feel so raw and vulnerable right now. Also a bit stupid because I know that many of you reading this are dealing with much weightier issues. I’m trying to give myself permission (give my parts permission) to feel what I feel, without judgment. I wasn’t allowed feelings when I was growing up, so I’m still learning how to let myself feel without just shutting down in the process.
And now it’s late and I have much thinking to do. I’ve made many adjustments over the years, dealt with a multitude of hard situations because I had no choice. Life goes on, and so must we. But I just can’t quite get the hang of change, it defeats me every time and leave me feeling like a big crybaby.