If It Looks Like a Duck, Quacks Like a Duck . . .

Three or four years after my DID diagnosis and still I battle denial at every step. Maybe it comes with the territory. I hear that another multiple did this or that, something whacko that I’ve never done, and my first thought is, I knew it! I must not be a multiple after all! I’m always on the lookout for signs that I truly don’t belong in the Personality-of-the-Month Club. It can be any little thing, say for instance reading a multiple’s blog about how many times she changes outfits before leaving the house (because, of course, all her parts have different tastes) and my radar emits a high-pitched whine heard only by me. (At least I’m pretty sure that all the dogs in the neighborhood don’t pick up on it too—–though that would explain a lot, now that I think of it.) I personally don’t change outfits fifty times before leaving the house. A few times, tops. And only because my first and second choice don’t always fit—–so see, there’s proof right there that I’m a fraud, blogging about multiplicity when obviously I have no personal experience of any such thing.

Unlike Sybil and other high-profile multiples I could name, my voice doesn’t change when I switch, which is proof enough that I don’t switch, right? And if I don’t switch, well guess that clears me of all DID charges. Yep, you won’t catch me using different intonations, accents and whatnot, so put that in your pipe and smoke it! There is little or no circumstantial evidence to point to my being a multiple.

Oh sure, there’s the little things, if one wants to split hairs. Different handwritings. Inappropriate laughter (c’mon, like I’m the only one who laughs at funerals.) Things I’ve supposedly said and done that I don’t remember. Shoot, that could be chalked up to raising five sons, ever think of that? You try raising five sons all by your little lonesome and tell me you’d still have your wits about you! Or how about this, maybe I’m suffering from a mild form of early dementia. So I (occasionally) put the coffee pot in the fridge, climb into the wrong car in the parking lot, stumble into the men’s room at the airport, cry when I hear children’s music, covet my grandkids’ toys, am sometimes dyslexic, can’t sit with my back to a room, startle easily, and . . . uh oh. I just remembered the article on my blog entitled On Being a Proper Multiple. Crud. According to this article, most multiples don’t behave like Sybil. They don’t all express themselves with different voices, or change clothes when a new alter takes over. I feel my paltry defense weakening, and the back of my neck tingling as it does when a different part’s about to take over. I may have to rethink this whole thing and get back to you later.

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2 thoughts on “If It Looks Like a Duck, Quacks Like a Duck . . .”

  1. oh i know those feelings all too well myself. only i dont have an actual dx to deny, so its even easier to put my back to it and only cast a few furtive glances behind me now and then. to keep an eye on it.

    till i have an all out rage over something that, while perhaps being truly a point of contention, shouldnt set me off like a nuclear bomb. complete with fallout.

    then there is the way i find myself mimicking people ive been around. not to make fun of them. more like, ‘im whoever im with’. most of my comments sound more like the person who wrote the post than a different person who is commenting.

    then theres the rapid fire emotional flux.

    and thru it all, i keep thinking im still normal.
    kïrstin

  2. I believe that denial is an important part of healing because it gives us a brake from reality and who doesn’t need a brake from time to time? I’ve been dx’d since 1990 and by a very high profile pdoc I might add yet sometimes I doubt that I have DID. My voice does change, I do change my clothes a hundred times before I leave the house, I don’t know everyone that others of me know and I don’t know half of what I’ve written in my blog. That’s just something that happens and I have to deal with that and not beat the crud out of myself for doing it. Your’e right though, not every multiple is obvious. I personally switch unnoticeably most often. The only way to tell is by the words we use or the slight change in tone of voice and sometimes by what I’m wearing.

    In 3D as well as on the net we go by one name. We all answer to the same name. It’s not just to simplify things for others but to play our hiding game. It is much easier to be open and honest about DID on the net than it is in person. Do you realize that I can say things on the net that I can’t say in person because I never have to look my blogger friends in the eye so they can see self doubt colour my eyes and flush my face.

    DID is complicated to put is simply. We don’t fit into one single category but one thing we all most certainly share is the gift of denial. But sometimes we have to stand back and leave that momentary safety net in order to move forward and heal. Denial is only good if used properly, if over used it harms more than it helps. Heck, I think DID was a way to not just deal with what happened but to deny it. That was safety for us. I’m not a doc by any means but it seems like everything else denial has its place.

    Austin

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