Ever since becoming aware of your existence several years ago, I’ve felt a deep fondness for you. Of all my parts, you are the one closest to the surface. Your strong sense of justice, your concern for everyone in our system (even for the ones who aren’t always so lovable), as well as your tender heart for babies—-all of these unique qualities are dearly missed.
Sometimes I imagine I see you out of the corner of my eye, but it’s not you. Or if it is you, you’re gone before my brain registers the fact of what I’ve just seen. I dreamt of you last night, dreamt that I stumbled across a cowgirl dress of yours which I’d never seen before.
Oh I remember seeing you in my mind’s eye, riding a bike or skating like a fury down that suburban childhood street, unbuttoned coat flapping in the wind as you fled from that dreary roof, wild with grief. You were the ordinary kid I could never be again. You made it possible for me to go to school each day, to sit on the bus with other kids and not fall apart at the apparent normality of it all. I felt your deep longing to belong to kind and gentle parents and felt your stab of anger at how your younger sibling were treated.
Listen Jenny, you’ve kept everyone in this system going more than anyone else. Without you we are at loose ends, and I’m discovering I don’t communicate so well with the others. I guess we’re all used to depending on you to be the go-between. Is this what has driven you away? Are you weary of playing that role? Perhaps we’re also a little too comfortable with letting you carry most of the emotional angst for the group. You handle it so well, never complaining, ever ready with a word of encouragement or cheer. I’ve a sneaking suspicion that you have hidden your woundedness a little too well, and we’ve taken for granted that you are perpetually on an even keel.
Because of you I’ve been able to deal with hard situations without crumbling. You help me retain a certain degree of stability as well as a much-needed sense of humor. If I’ve been remiss in showing my appreciation for all that you do, if I’ve neglected to consider what it must cost you to be everything to everyone, I’m truly sorry. Everyone misses you. We just want you to come back to us, soon.