None of My Exes Live in Texas

One of my exes (hubby #2) just called, and as is usually the case during his infrequent calls, just hearing his voice set off a whole chain reaction of memories and emotions.

This is not someone I was all too fond of when we were together. We’ve had many spats in the 20+ years since then, and I can’t help but cringe when I hear his rough voice. He was so angry during the years we were together, and apparently that’s never going to change. But this time it wasn’t his angry tones that made me wince, it was thinking of how our lives were intertwined back then with my mom and step-dad’s.

And more than that. There’s always something more, some deeper truth which pokes through from time to time. In this case it’s the fact that I didn’t know anything about myself when we married. Didn’t know I had DID—-didn’t even realize I had been abused and was carrying that around with me like some kind of soul-eating bacteria. We were doomed from the start. I see the person I was back then: 23, with 3 little boys, one on the way, and reeling from the ending of my first marriage. I think I got married the second time simply because back then I didn’t feel I existed unless I had someone to belong to. But my sense of self was so low, nearly non-existent, that I settled for an angry, unsociable man who in his own blundering way added to my own sense of woundedness. He didn’t know my history; I doubt he could have changed his behaviour towards me if he had known.

The fact that I’ve been very glad over the years to have left him when I did doesn’t detract from my sense of sadness at the doom factor which was right there attending our wedding like an uninvited guest. Hubby #2 turned out to be a big mistake but not so much because of his sour disposition. (Ooh, I just got a little chill at the thought of how much that reminds me of my step-dad and his snitty little moods!) The mistake on my part was in marrying at all.

This isn’t something I’m going to beat myself up over. I didn’t know back then what I know now about myself, and about life. I couldn’t have done things differently. But every now and then something from my past arises unexpectedly, and I find that I haven’t really allowed myself to grieve any of it at all.

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6 thoughts on “None of My Exes Live in Texas”

  1. Oh Goodness, your graphic for this one was too funny. I have never been divorced, so I cannot really say I understand how you must feel. But I imagine it must be hard to think about how your hopes and dreams for that marriage just vanished. It was someone you muct have loved once, so that in itself probably makes it hard to hear his voice. I know someone who is a great marriage right now, and wouldn’t change anything, but there is still a regret that it didn’t work out the first time around. I think that is probably normal. But it sounds like you are doing better and have reached a point of reflection, which I hope means some healing is in the works. I’m sorry it is hard, but glad you are not falling apart.

  2. We agree with Jewelly, your graphic is funny!!!! At least now you can look back and say to your self, I see why that never could have worked. Not knowing can be very debilitating.

    peace and blessings

    keepers and john

  3. Thanks, Jewelly. What I meant to mention in this post is that a great deal of the sadness regarding my 2nd failed marriage (ok, all the rest as well) is that the poor guy didn’t stand a chance. He didn’t know what he was getting himself into because of “the harm I did by being me.” I think any failed marriage hurts, so there’s that too although I can’t say I regret leaving when I did. There’s too much water under the bridge for me to fall apart about it now, but I think maybe a part of healing is realizing how we’ve harmed others (even if unintentional) and not just how they hurt us.

  4. Well… I want to comment about your comment Beautiful. It sort of sounds like you blame yourself for your failed marriage, where you said he did not know what he was getting himself into. Well… at the time YOU did not know neither. People are suppose to marry for better or worse and everything else in between. I am sorry, but… I feel for you girl. Just because of DID does not mean that your marriage should have failed. OOOOH I got that same type of thinking from the husband I am with, as well as marriage counselors. They both have told me…. your marriage is in trouble because of your DID… These people do not even know what the husband has done and they did not care… I am at fault for any problems in my marriage ONLY because of the DID dx. That is wrong.
    I sincerely hope you do not think that Beautiful. Of course this is just my opinion, but opinion with a little experience hey??? Experience from my own life. But… I just had to just in a say something to your defense. It takes two to marry and still two to divorce. Geesh, I hope I am making sense. If not.. I am sorry.
    Peace Within
    MeMe

  5. oh i can so relate to this! i have 3 ex husbands. thats three too many, and that bothers me often, although i cant change it now. i can only cast it under the blood os Jesus, and count it as behind.

    still, i felt the same way for years, like i didnt exsist unless i belonged to someone. but it was the wrong kind of belonging i was seeking as well. forgive the old cliche, but i was looking for the father figure to fill the void i had there. is that what you were doing too? my father left when i was too young to remember, and i didnt have a father at all till my mom remarried. but i was the outsider child, and his five children were the ones that counted. so the void grew.

    since i obviously have some sort of disorder, which i am pretty sure is bpd, all my marriages failed as well. with them leaving me. the beau i have now is not willing to leave me, so we have worked out many otherwise disabling problems.

    im thankful i have no contact with any of the three. but i do want my son to find his father, it would be a good thing for both. and i am thankful for having my son, even through the way it all played out. God always brings treasures out of the darkness. 😀
    kïrstin

  6. Thanks for defending me, MeMe! I think I know what you’re trying to say. Even without the DID factor, neither I nor my ex had the necessary skills to make things work. The DID just added to everything. And I think what I should have said was that it wasn’t just my DID that doomed us from the beginning. It was also the fact that intimacy with any man would always feel like a violation to me because of my childhood abuse. That doesn’t mean our failed marriage was all my fault. I certainly didn’t drive myself to become a multiple. But my intimacy issues, DID, and PTSD are what I brought into our relationship. I agree marriage should be for better or worse, but I was the one who left.

    And this is for Kirstin: I’m sure I was seeking a father figure too. I’ve 4 ex hubbies, so guess you could say my search was thorough! I do know that part of the reason for my serial marriages was the compulsion I felt to live a “normal” life. I didn’t know what was wrong with me, but I did know I wasn’t normal. And normal people, it seemed, got married. Maybe not happily, but they got married.

    I agree that God brings treasures out of darkness. He’s a celestial packrat!

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